Renewing of Your Mind

     Middle school for me was three crazy years of trying so hard to fit in and never being able to.  In sixth grade my hair was really long and I decided to have the top permed and leave the back long and straight.  (See picture)  Therefore I was called “Poodle Head”.  Also that year I heard a lot of kids talking about what they were going to dress up as for Halloween and I mistakenly thought they meant “wear to school” on Halloween.  I knew my parents didn’t have money for a costume so I made my own.  The year was 1986 so I decided to dress as a “Punk Rocker”.  I used a black trash bag to cut out a punk rocker dress, put a belt around it, found some gloves that I cut the fingers out and also wore some combat boots.  I was so proud of my handmade outfit that I never once thought that maybe no one else would dress up and wear their costumes to school.  But when I arrived, I quickly realized I was the only middle schooler who did.  Unfortunately I did not have a backup plan and had to wear it all day.  The teasing was merciless. 
     Just before seventh grade we moved and I was the new kid.  I only knew one person at my school and that’s because we had met at my new church.   I was trying again to fit in and find my place.  I wanted so badly to be liked and popular.  I tried out for cheer-leading and didn’t make the team.  I tried out for basketball and didn’t make the team.  I was in band and the last chair flautist.  I would challenge people so I could move up in chairs, but never once did I beat them in the challenge.  I wore Converse basketball shoes while all the other girls wore spotless, white Keds.  No matter how hard I tried, fitting in just was not going to happen. 
     My mind was in a bad place and the only thoughts I had about myself were negative.  I rode the bus and a girl one grade older than me saw me as an easy target.  She reinforced the negative thoughts I had about myself.  She started bullying me in seventh grade and it continued all the way through tenth grade.  She picked on my size, my clothes, my shoes, my hair (which she never saw when it was poodle hair, thankfully).  She would tell me every day that she was going to beat me up.  No matter where I sat on the bus, she would move behind me and start smacking me in the back of the head.  She stole from me and started nasty rumors about me.  I started to believe that I was worthless, a mistake, never going to amount to much, couldn’t do anything right and had no talents.  Not making any of the teams I tried out for also reiterated those things in my mind. 
     I stopped caring, I lost interest and I figured in school I’d just do enough to get by.  It didn’t matter anyway… I was a loser and everyone knew it.  I wanted so badly to be noticed… for something spectacular… not for all the awkward things people saw in me and I saw in myself.
     I constantly thought “if just one good thing would happen in my life then I’d be liked, accepted, popular, invited to parties, and a person people would want to be around.  I kept seeking for that one good thing I could be noticed for.  That one cool thing that people would like me for.  If I could find it, then my bully would have to stop hurting me and my classmates would want me in their lives.  They would include me.
     So I made a plan.  I knew how to get people to think I was cool.  This would do it for sure!  People on the bus would see, they would tell others, then the whole school would be talking about it and I’d be popular!  Brilliant strategy, Ginger.  Brilliant!  I was going to execute the plan the next day.
     The next morning I stole a cigarette and matches from my brother’s room.  I walked up to the bus stop.  No one else in my school lived near me, so I was always the only person at my stop.  I was also the last person to get on the bus every morning and the last to get off every afternoon.  The plan was to be smoking a cigarette when the bus pulled up.  I would make a big deal about putting it out before getting on the bus to ensure people were watching and seeing me smoke.  But here’s what I didn’t plan on:

1.  The first match head getting stuck and breaking off under my fingernail just as it lit.
2. Burning my finger and fingernail badly.
3. Being afraid to then try and light anymore matches.
4. Finally talking myself into lighting another match and not knowing how to light the cigarette.
5. Getting the cigarette lit by trial and error only to completely smoke it and choke on it way too soon before the bus got there.
6. Trying to relight the butt just as the bus came into view so they could see me putting the cigarette out.
7. Not being able to light the butt.
8. Being frustrated with the whole ordeal because none of it happened to plan.

     Epic fail!  I was a failure at being cool.  Maybe if I took alcohol to school, people would like me.  Next plan: fill a small bottle up with water and peppermint oil and tell people it was liquor.  So the next day I took my plan 2 to school and gave to a boy named Joe P.  He took it to the bathroom and drank it.  When he walked back in the class, he was smiling, so I knew it worked and now people would think I was cool and start placing orders!  But here’s what I didn’t plan on:

1. Joe having a sophisticated palate and knowing the difference between alcohol and peppermint water.
2. Joe declaring to the whole class not to trust me.
3. Joe declaring to the whole class I was trying to poison people.
4. Joe declaring to the teacher that I was drinking in the bathroom and giving her the bottle.
5. My teacher calling me up in front of the whole class asking me about drinking in the bathroom and exactly what I had brought to school in that bottle.

     Epic fail!  Again!  For the love of everything cuddly and cute, Ginger, please stop trying to impress people.  Just be yourself!  By being yourself, you’ll attract the right kind of people.  Don’t be fake and attract the wrong kind of people.  Be around the people who appreciate the exact person God made you to be.
     I’d love to tell you that that was exactly what I told myself and the nonsense stopped at that moment.  But unfortunately I’m a slow learner…. I didn’t take that advice until I was 35 years old.  Three of my closest friends walked out on me when I chose not to follow the path they were taking.  For the first time in my life I finally saw God’s truth in my life when it came to being accepted. 
     Romans 12:2  Do not be conformed to this age, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may discern what is the good, pleasing and perfect will of God.
     When these friends wanted me to follow their path of sin, I no longer longed for popularity or fitting in.  I wanted what God wanted for me.  He had renewed my mind so that I could see all the good He had for me.  All the pleasing things He had planned for me.  All the perfection in which He would bring about this goodness and plans.  For me… Ginger… bleacher diving… fingernail burning… Poodle head… trash bag wearing… fake alcohol maker… overweight… college dropout… stubborn… impatient… unloved… unliked… no one showed up at my party… ME.  God wanted me.  Just as I am.  Me.  The person he made.  Me.  His wonderfully made creation.  Me.  My selfishness, my awkwardness, my flaws.  Me.  God loves me.  I don’t deserve it.  I don’t measure up.  I mess up daily.  But He still wants me just as I am.  Only He can transform my mind, my heart, my actions, my life to be who and what He has made me to be.  I am His.  His perfect creation.
     You are His perfect creation too.  It’s easy to doubt that.  It’s easy to fall into Satan’s traps of thinking we don’t measure up to much.  I believed it for 35 years and constantly doubted my worth.  Don’t make that mistake, my friend.  You are more valuable than any precious stone on this earth.  Let God renew your mind and tell Satan and his lies to flee.  If I can help you pray for that, just reach out to me.  You are wanted.  You are loved.  You are desired.  You are valuable.

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